Moments In Time
by illusionary science
Summary: You know that story where Desmond is just a little bit insane and fails at Thursdays. How about the one where gravity can't give an assassin a break. Maybe you know the where paint is banned and Desmond steals cookies. No? well be glad you don't, cause things get a bit weird here, at times. A series of short stories about the modern Assassins and maybe the rest of them too.
1. Thursday fail

So, basically, I've gotten the assassins creed games, and well am currently fangirling over them. So because of that little factor, you get the random ideas that pop into my head, I dunno know but to me it doesn't seem like a fair trade.

Set: ACII

_Summary: In which Desmond hates Thursdays and is forced out of bed and to stay with Shaun for entire afternoon. Can't a bartender get a break?_

Desmond was sleeping in even later than usual, Lucy noticed, she was slightly worried about him but figured he was just sleeping, the previous Animus session had been rather long.

Shaun, of course, had also noticed and had begun questioning his sleeping habits.

"He does know we are on a schedule, right?" that was undoubtedly Shaun; Rebecca had stopped trading barbs with him a while ago if only because she was getting impatient as well.

Lucy sighed and stood up "alright, I'll go and get him" as long as it would get her away from Shaun's continual complaining.

She knocked lightly on the door before entering and found Desmond sitting in bed and tapping his fingers on his leg, he looked up when she entered, a small smile flittering across his lips that she found herself instinctively copying.

"Why aren't you getting ready for another Animus session" there was a slight air of concern in her voice Desmond was inherently aware of.

"Well, I need to check something first" the word well was slightly longer then necessary and the whole sentence was spoken in the light tones that he uses when he joking.

"What?" because she's curious now, the smiles dropped of her face. What did he need to check? Why hadn't he checked it already? Did it have something to do with the Bleeding effect? Was he hallucinating? Having trouble separating realities or timelines?

"What day is it?" her breathe catches in her throat, if he's having trouble remembering the date, then can they afford to keep up the Animus sessions as they have been?

"16th of October, 2012, remember Desmond, is this because of the Bleeding effect? Are you having visions? Do you re..." The words pouring of her tongue are stopped by the amused look that splits across Desmond's face.

"No, no and probably no, I meant like Tuesday, Monday, Friday, that sort of thing" he can't help but note that she's adorable when she freaks out.

"Oh" she self-consciously tucks a thread of hair behind her ear "it's umm... Thursday. Why?"

"Just curious" is his only response before he lays beck on the bed and sticks his face under the pillow. For a few moments all she can do is stare.

'What?' she thinks, trying to work out why Desmond is trying to get back to sleep.

"Desmond, why are you sleeping?" Now he's just confusing her. There is no logical explanation for him to do that, unless he's sleepy, in which case there is but it still doesn't make much sense.

"Cause it's a Thursday and Thursdays suck for me, never could get the hang of 'em" is the slightly muffled and very annoying reply. Lucy blinks, and then blinks again and then a third time just to be sure. Did he say he was knocking off a day because he didn't like Thursdays.

"What?" this time she does say it out loud and Desmond pulls his head out from under the pillow to look at her.

"I said, that Thursdays suck and I refuse to do anything other than sleep during them cause I really can't be bothered dealing with how much fail they are" The way Desmond says it seems that in his mind he just cleared everything up. In Lucy's mind however it has got to be the weirdest thing he's ever said.

"What?" it's louder this time as if she still can't believe what he just said and volume will clear it all up.

"Thursdays suck" is the short reply and Desmond's stuck his head under the pillow in a way that reminds her of a child, an _'I can't see you, so you can't see me'_ type thing and it's strangely adorable if downright annoying.

"Well that's great but we have work to do and the quicker we start the quicker the day will be over" she holds open the door, slight impatience entering her voice, as she watches Desmond to see if he's actually going to get up. He doesn't move. She sighs and decides she'll offer him one last chance before he gets dragged out of there.

"Desmond get up, we need to get this done, even if Thursdays suck" She's practically pleading with him now.

For a moment Desmond is silent and Lucy prepares to grab his leg and pull him out of there, when he speaks.

"Lucy, I don't think you understand to pure failure which is the Thursdays I've been awake for" he paused "and by that I mean it's generally just safer to stay in bed"

Lucy groans in frustration and grabs his legs, immediately Desmond starts scrabbling for the bed post. As soon as he found his grip on it he started swearing, complaining and trying to get Lucy off him.

This lasted for thirty minutes before Lucy was able to pull the very annoyed Desmond from his room. Of course as soon as he was out of arms reach of his safe haven he gave up and trudged next to her.

"What took you guys so long?" Rebecca hardly even looked up from her computer as she asked the question.

Lucy was about to respond when Desmond interrupted "It's a Thursday" the way he said it you'd think the world was coming to an end.

Lucy noticed both Rebecca and Shaun staring at Desmond like he was crazy. Well listening to his statements he probably was but that was beside the point, they had to this quickly, before Abstergo found them and Desmond's random hatred of Thursdays was not helping anything.

"And why exactly do you hate Thursdays, Is it perhaps the day you relised you were insane?" It seemed like Shaun couldn't be in the same room as Desmond for five seconds without insulting him.

"Thursdays are horrible always have been and I've never been able to get the hang of them" was the response as Desmond slunk over to the Animus.

Everyone stared at Desmond.

Desmond stared back.

"On the other hand Tuesdays have always been pretty good" and with that he promptly plonked himself in the Animus.

There were several more seconds of staring before everyone got to work.

Besides being swamped with slightly more beggars and Minstrels than usual in Ezio's memories that part of the day passed pretty well. So it had to be expected that the afternoon would pass horribly.

It started with Desmond getting out of the Animus and ended with both Desmond and Shaun covered in paint and ink.

Of course there is a whole story about how it got to there and also a lesson which the girls learned, very quickly.

Desmond, as usual, was a little bleary after getting out of the Animus and so had mercifully been left out of the food run, unfortunately Shaun had decided he would be staying back as well. Within seconds of Rebecca and Lucy leaving he and Shaun had been trading verbal blows. After five minutes or so they lapsed into silence. A minute after that there was conversation, it went something like this.

"So why do you hate Thursdays in any case" that one came from Shaun, who had hardly moved from his work area.

"well simple every largely horrible event has happened on a Thursday, It makes me feel for Arthur Dent, must of happened to him all the time" the response was obviously Desmond, who had decided he would sit up in the corner of the room, his only reason for doing so being that he couldn't think of a reason not to.

There was a quick look of recognition on Shaun's face and then he sort of gave Desmond a look which meant '_I honestly didn't think you could read'_

Desmond in return gave him a look that said _'there's a lot of things I suspect you doubt I could do but I'm actually really good at' _but communication through staring only really goes so far so it came out more like _'I'm staring at you right now'_

"You've read the hitchhikers guide to the galaxy?" Shaun sounded slightly surprised.

"Yeah, very good series. Hilarious the entire way through. And full of important information about life as well" Desmond was nodding slightly as he spoke.

"I'm sorry, information about life?" Now Shaun just sounded confused and British, but he always sounded British so Desmond didn't pay much attention to that part.

"Yeah, you know all that stuff about towels" Desmond cleared his throat and in the best imitation of a slightly robotic, extremely passive and slightly feminine voice (he sort of sounded more like GlaDOS then anything) began speaking "the hitchhikers guide to the galaxy has a few things to say on the subject of towels. A towel it says is the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have, partly it has great practical value"

Shaun did an odd sort of laughing but not quite grin/smirk think with his mouth that Desmond took as approval and gave an unusually polite response. "Yes well, I see what you mean, I have taken it upon myself to always know where my towel is"

This was followed by a sudden look of recognition dancing across Desmond's eyes and him jumping down from his perch to go grab something.

The only indication of what was going on that Shaun got was a hurried sentence from Desmond.

"_Gonnagoandgrabsomethingihadt hisawsomeideaonceandibetican writeitdown"_ of course it really just sounded like gibberish so Shaun had no idea what was going on.

Desmond returned moments later with paint, markers and paper. Shaun never did find out where he got them from and still speculates about it today.

"Right I had an idea for how the improbability drive would work, you wanna see?" Desmond didn't even wait for an answer and began drawing up what it looked like, after he had finished the designs he started painting them, unfortunately he had decided to take up another perch for this, said perch being not too far from Shaun. A minute later he was done and showing Shaun (who honestly suspected something idiotic) his finished design and Shaun was rather impressed, while a lot of the ideas were impossible, at least for now, it would in theory work. Well apart from a few flaws which were quickly noted and fixed by Shaun.

Several minutes later both the boys were working on another possible design for the improbability drive and up to their necks in paint and ink, when Rebecca and Lucy arrived.

"See, if we can figure a way to control each individual molecule and then run that through a randomiser it'll jump to a completely random location" that was from Desmond and it appeared neither of them had noticed the girls arrival.

"Yes but your ignoring the whole improbability side of things, it needs to track location based on that" Desmond nodded in response to Shaun and began sketching ideas for that.

"What are you doing?" that was Lucy. Rebecca it seemed was in shock, Shaun was getting along with someone, how was that even possible?

"We are bonding over towels" Was Desmond's description of the event and once again made the small group question his sanity.

"We're drawing up designs for improbability drives and how they would work in reality" came Shaun's slightly less confusing response.

Rebecca stared for a moment before sitting down to work with Baby', Lucy sighed and went over to her work area. Unfortunately she knocked a rather heavy file onto the ground. Unfortunately the whole building was a bit shaky. Unfortunately Desmond had left some of the paint up on his perch.

It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened next.

Shaun was very annoyed when the paint got over his clothes and spent several minutes alternating between insulting Desmond and fretting about it. When Desmond finally got a word in he informed Shaun that the paint would wash out. This calmed him down slightly and he spent the next few moments checking everything for paint marks.

Needless to say, the girls learnt their lesson and never left Desmond and Shaun alone together again.

They also banned paint, under the circumstances a very wise idea.


	2. Supply run

So yeah, here the second one, sorry 'bout not updating my PnF fanfiction but I'm having trouble with the any case.

CHAPTER

_Summary: In which we discover why Desmond never goes to get supplies._

They had noticed that morning that supplies were getting low and so the group decided in all their infinite wisdom that Desmond should go, however because Rebecca and Shaun were convinced that he was insane and Lucy wasn't entirely convinced of his sanity it was agreed someone should go with him.

That someone was voted as Lucy and in their little group of assassins voted meant forced.

The car trip past uneventfully and Lucy couldn't be more happy, in all honesty she had been expecting a struggle.

Really though, she should have seen it coming, it was after all a Thursday.

The trolly was odd and had a strange mechanism which forced you to put a coin in it before you could use it and you could only get it back when you returned the Trolly. It was designed to keep people from stealing trollies, Lucy sort of doubted it worked and Desmond thought it was awesome.

The real trouble started when they entered. Within about five seconds Desmond had disappeared into the crowd.

Lucy sighed and started looking for him down the first aisle. When she had almost reached the end of the aisle she felt a hand on her shoulder she turned and saw Desmond smiling in his insanely Desmond way.

"Lucy" he spoke carefully and sounded like he was pleading "can we get some"

It took Lucy a moment to realise that he was holding several containers of paint.

"No" she honestly didn't want another paint episode. Desmond's whole face just sort of drooped and he looked like a kicked puppy.

"No" she said again and Desmond walked away looking for all the world like she had just insulted his families obsession with hoodies.

She managed to make it five minutes before he came back and asked for cookies. She told him no again and disappeared once more. This pattern continued until halfway through the trip at which point Desmond had disappeared, again.

For several minutes she wondered where he was and then decided that he was probably finding something else to try and force her to buy.

She remained convinced of this until she heard some rather interesting conversations.

"What is he doing up there?"

"Is that even legal?"

"Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to get down" when she heard those words she quickly headed over to the aisle and was only slightly surprised to see Desmond lying on the top of the shelves, like it was the most normal thing in the world.

"Desmond" she practically shrieked "get down from there!" He glanced over idly and jumped down.

"What were you thinking?what if the templers were tailing us? The only way you could've been more obvious is if you had been under a glowing arrow saying assassin here. Seriously Desmond what were you thinking? She's calmed down a bit now and Desmond's is acting all remorseful, like a kid getting scholded.

"Sorry" he mutters "but it was actually sort of smart, cause if everyone's like, that guy is hanging out up there in the day, where we can see him, they'll be convinced I'm not an assassin because they're all sneaky and ninja"

She blinked at him and sighed, some days she just couldn't deal with Desmond.

"Can we get some cookies now?" The only answer he received was glare that could kill chickens.

The rest of the trip passed silently.

It wasn't until they got home that she realised that a silent Desmond was a horrible omen.

They went inside and began unpacking, Shaun and Rebecca had just come in to help when Lucy noticed several things in the bags that she hadn't brought.

Then quick as lightning Desmond grabbed a box of cookies from one of the bags and clambered up to the ceiling. He held the box triumphantly.

"Now I own all the cookies" he announced and attempted to do an evil laugh.

The next few hours were passed by Shaun poking Desmond with a broom trying to get him to come down, while Rebecca and Lucy tried to bribe him. All the while Desmond had taken to throwing the cookies at them.

This lasted for three hours before Desmond ran out of cookies jumped down from his perch and gone to bed. The rest of the group had been dumbfounded.

Well until they realised the real reason Desmond had left was because of a small ball lying on the floor and ticking in an utterly innocent way.

Three seconds later the small ball exploded and covered the room in bright pink glitter.

Desmond was promptly banned from supply runs.

And Lucy couldn't help but wonder if Desmond had been right about Thursdays.


	3. Gravity sucks

Alright number three, so thingy in that direction \/ rated t for Desmond's dirty mouth.

_Summary: In which Gravity hates Desmond, and Shaun does not appreciate Desmond's singing._

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Desmond climbed out of bed and ran through his morning routine and headed for the main room.

He made it three feet before his face met the ground. Surprise and pain coursed through his body in almost equal amounts. He blinked and then went to stand up.

"What's taking so long?" He looked up, it was Shaun. Desmond imagined that he hadn't quite forgiven him for the paint incident.

"I tripped" Desmond's voice was full of disbelief and he spun around, searching the floor for something he could've tripped on.

"You tripped? You're training to be a master assassin and you tripped? There's nothing there, what did you trip over?" Shaun sounded disbelieving as well and Desmond had begun searching the bottom of his shoes.

"I don't know, I was just walking and then my face was on the ground" Desmond frowned and removed his shoes; he couldn't actually see anything on them but decided better safe than sorry. Shaun frowned at the now shoeless Desmond and sighed.

Idly Desmond noticed something warm running down his face.

"Am I bleeding?" he asked Shaun in a voice that sounded more fascinated by the subject then worried. Shaun glanced back at him.

"I fail to understand how you can be going through all of Ezio's memories and then just trip but yes, you are bleeding" Shaun turned and left, while Desmond poked his bloody cheek. Breifly he considered bandaging it but decided against it with a shrug and headed into the main area.

"Desmond your bleeding" he looks over at Lucy, there was slight concern lacing her voice.

"Yeah I tripped over" he gestured sort of vaguely behind him with both arms. Lucy sighed and turned back to her screen.

Desmond began making his way over to the animus when his face promptly met the floor, again. Everyone looked over. Desmond blinked.

"Fuck" Desmond muttered, glaring at the ground that was now inches from his eyes.

"Why are you on the floor?" Desmond rolled onto his back and looked over at Rebecca.

"I tripped, again" Rebecca spent several seconds staring at Desmond during which he had sat up and crawled over to the wall.

"Excellent work Desmond, keep this up and you'll be sure to win the award for most clumsy assassin" Desmond glared at Shaun. Shaun frowned; he hadn't known Desmond could glare.

"Right well up for a session in the Animus?" Rebecca asked. Desmond nodded and stood up, fixing the ground with his best glare, he took an experimental step and was extremely relieved to find his face hadn't met the ground. He had barely taken another step before he was suddenly holding his body just off the ground.

"fuck" he muttered again, for no other reason than that he could "I think I'm sick"

"Why?" he glanced over at Rebecca from his position in a spontaneous push up on the floor.

"Well, whenever I used to get sick it tended to mess up my inner ear functions, which messed with my balance which led to me being confined to my bed all day" It was easy to see why Desmond hated getting sick, being as active as he was, it would be hell for him stuck in one place unable to do anything all day.

"Does that have anything to do with the fact that you're not wearing shoes?" Lucy asked. She hadn't spoken because Rebecca kept asking the questions she had been going ask.

Desmond shook his head but offered no explanation as to his lack of shoes.

Five minutes later, most of which Desmond spent face down on the floor; Desmond was able to begin his session in the Animus. The session only lasted about ten minutes because Desmond kept falling off things and Desynchronising. After Lucy declared the attempts folly Desmond had crawled over to one of the walls with the intention of sleeping there.

Unfortunately for Desmond, Shaun had taken it upon himself to step on Desmond if he was anywhere near the walkway. This tended to happen whenever he moved to get more comfortable.

After getting immensely annoyed at being stepped on Desmond had crawled over to the centre of the room and promptly spread himself out over the ground. He had no idea how it would help him avoid being stepped on but it was certainty more comfortable then the wall.

After five minutes of doing absolutely nothing Desmond started humming. Shaun turned and glared at Desmond who was unable to see it as he had his eyes closed. At some point Desmond had started muttering lyrics but they were hardly discernible and really just succeeded in annoying everyone.

"Each time lord child, approaches the eye, forced to be inspired or run, but as I gazed into the vastness of time, I heard the sound of drums" Shaun glanced over at Desmond only just being able to hear the words and frowned, he was fairly sure that Desmond was just singing to bother him.

Unbeknownst to Shaun the second he looked away Desmond gave an absolutely evil grin.

"Don't leave me now; think of all we've done together, think of all the vanquished foes, think of all we could be." Desmond's singing is now very clear. He changes his voice slightly as he sings the next line "It would be hell for me, imprisoned here forever, with you."

Desmond stopped suddenly and Shaun looked over at him again, slightly curious and slightly worried, only to find that Desmond was now mouthing the words silently. Idly Shaun found himself sorting out the syllables.

"Don't, please, you've got to, please, we're the only ones left, please, just regenerate!" Desmond mouthed, is eyes still shut tight. Breifly Shaun considered the theory that Desmond might be asleep.

"Can you hear them, In my dreams they're calling. They're coming and every waking moment. They're in the signal, I heard the vortex calling. They're in my head." Desmond had begun singing properly again and Shaun found himself slightly disturbed by the lyrics.

He watched Desmond closely. He was breathing calmly and his eyes were still shut, he hadn't moved anything other than his lips for the past couple of minutes. Shaun sighed and stood up; he was planning on kicking Desmond until he woke up.

His foot was just about to collide with Desmond's side when he spoke "Hey Shaun" Shaun glared at Desmond even though the effect was lost on him because he still had his eyes closed and if not for speaking he could've been asleep. Desmond grinned an absolutely _Desmond_ grin and Shaun just shook his head and went back to his desk. He was glad that Desmond had at least stopped singing.

He glanced back at Desmond who appeared perfectly content from his place on the floor and didn't see any sign that Desmond would start singing again. He sighed, maybe now he could get some work done.

"The Time lord's returning, the earth will be burning" Desmond opens his eyes this time to see Shaun's reaction.

Shaun groans drops his head in his hands and quietly curses Desmond's existence.


	4. Sixteen's sandcastle

Alright, some 16 interaction in this one, because honestly I love the guy, he's one of my favourite characters. Also In case you haven't noticed, my Desmond is rather fond of high places, and I myself immensely enjoyed the parts in Brotherhood where I got to run around as Desmond. So this is my response to learning I couldn't climb anything as Desmond in Revelations.

_Summary: In which sandcastles are built, Desmond is upset and even Sixteen thinks Desmond is insane._

Desmond had just finished his first session with the glowy wall thingy and had returned to the island. He stretched a bit and glanced around, nothing seemed particularly climbable but he wouldn't know unless he tried.

He ran his feet barely finding purchase on the stone as he scrambled for the edge, if he could just get a grip he could climb up and then work out how to get somewhere taller but whenever he thought he was close he would slip back down the wall. He frowned and took several steps back before charging at the stone.

"What are you doing?" he jumped at the sudden voice and spun around. His feet got all tangled and he ended up on his back. He blinked slightly confused and stood back up.

"Trying to find something to climb" he gestured over at the stone.

"Well, you're not going to find anything, I've already tried, nothing to do here but sit and wait" Desmond blinked frowned and then blinked again. He sat down and started thinking.

Exactly three living people knew exactly how bad it was when Desmond was allowed time to just think. These people were Rebecca Shaun and Desmond himself. Clay unfortunately didn't know this. Poor Clay.

It took exactly six seconds for Desmond to realise that if there was nothing to do then he would probably go insane (though in most people's opinion he already was) and another three seconds to curl into a ball and start sobbing.

Clay had absolutely no idea what to do when faced with a crying Desmond. There was probably only one person in the world that did and he was probably sitting at home working on a script that would never go anywhere.

Clay stood, looking at Desmond like he was insane. He hadn't even reacted like that when he had mentioned Lucy.

"Your life must suck, huh" Desmond managed to mutter out around the sobs.

"Is that why you're crying? Because I'm stuck on an island with only sand and floating pillars for company." Desmond looked up at the mention of sand an idea dawning in his mind.

"Well, there" Desmond said suddenly bright and wiping the tears from his face "You have sand."

Clay stared.

Desmond stared back.

"What?"

Clay blinked and stared again. _This guy was crazy _he thought as some part of him noted the irony of that statement.

"I mean there is a lot of sand here, you could make a sand castle" Desmond grinned at Clay and Clay just stared for another second before frowning.

Why didn't he think of that?

Several seconds later he and Desmond were working on making the largest sandcastle ever recorded. Of course technically they were cheating since the entire thing was a computer program.

Back in the real world, Rebecca was working on setting up something so they could view Desmond's progress. She really didn't expect him to be doing anything other then running through memories and losing more of himself but it made her feel useful.

So you could imagine her surprise when she saw Clay and Desmond in the animus Black Room building a giant sandcastle.

In that moment three thoughts crossed her mind.

The first was _it figures he and Desmond would get along, _then _why are they building a sandcastle_ and then _Clay is alive? _

She stood and headed out to find Shaun and William. They had to see this.

In the Animus Black Room Desmond and Clay had almost finished their giant sandcastle and were just putting in the finishing touches. Well, sand_castle _wasn't accurate it was more of a mix between half a dozen famous pieces of architecture that Clay and Desmond had seen in their ancestors memories. Either way it looked rather impressive being covered in arches, statues, giant doors and incredibly detailed pillars.

Desmond sat on top of the castle, Clay had done something that stopped it from collapsing, and wondered briefly what to do now.

Clay sat on one of the pillars and stared up at their creation. It was pretty impressive he had to admit. He had only just had this thought when a large mound of sand landed right in his face.

He blinked and looked over at Desmond, Who had at some point built a small barricade, and smiled, a dark predatory thing that certainly fit the madman people claimed he was.

Clay built up a small barricade and began making his ammunition. Desmond's continuous barrage had stopped for the moment.

Desmond peaked over his barricade not even slightly stealthily and gave a relieved sigh when he didn't see Clay.

Of course Clay was standing behind him with a bucketful of sand in his hands.

A second later Clay was climbing over the sand castle as Desmond, who was now wearing a bucket on his head, climbed up behind him.

In the real world William was simply staring, completely shocked at the scene that was being shown to him on the screen in front of him. A very sudden feeling of regret pooled in his stomach, if this was what his son was like after leaving then maybe he shouldn't have driven him away.

Rebecca was trying to stifle laughter while watching the screen from her seat near the Animus. Shaun was absent having taken one look at the screen before giving an annoyed sigh and leaving.

Back in the Animus Clay was searching for Desmond; he had disappeared sometime after being kicked, literally, off the castle. It may just be paranoia but he was sure Desmond was planning something. Something evil. The only question was what.

The question was promptly answered when Desmond came flying out of nowhere and tackled Clay right off the castle. They both flew into the ground, sending sand everywhere and getting even more covered in it than they already were.

"Ok" Clay stated trying to keep from laughing "there is stuff to do here."

Desmond grinned and Clay grabbed a fistful of sand and shoved it in Desmond's mouth.

"That's disgusting" He cried trying to brush it off his tongue.

In the real world Rebecca grinned and switched off the screen. William had been stunned into silence upon seeing his son's antics and Rebecca and Shaun had taken turns filling him in on the other incidents.

William had almost fainted.

Yeah, this is what I would've done on Animus island, but I can totally see Desmond and Clay getting into a snowball fight even if it was with sand. And I couldn't get the image of Desmond climbing the sand castle out of my head and then Clay was just like 'stick a bucket on his head' and then it sort of just exploded, I apologise for this randomness.


	5. Sleepy insanity

Ok this is the fourth in AcII. Not much to say other than in my mind Desmond speaks Spanish.

_Summary: In which Desmond is banned from driving, Spanish is spoken and the modern assassin's fear for their lives._

After much consideration and the fact that everyone else was tired, the group had decided that Desmond was to drive. A horrible decision really.

Unfortunately no one caught the evil grin on Desmond's face as they changed seats.

"Permanecer sentados por favour" Desmond sung out. This was the only warning they got. However no one spoke Spanish and as such were poorly prepared when Desmond slammed his foot on the gas.

There is of course a story of how it got to here. It goes something like this.

Every couple of days the small group of assassin's would go on a two hour trip over to another city for a few minutes before leaving. The reason for this was to keep the Templers from knowing exactly where they were. Unfortunately it left everyone very tired and as they'd rather not crash the car they had decided that Desmond should drive. Before this though there was a very long conversation.

"Look he's the only one of us not about to pass out from lack of sleep, I say we let him drive" Shaun was somehow less irritable when he was tired then when he was fully awake.

"Are you kidding me? He's insane!" Rebecca just got pissed. Desmond found this amusing for some reason.

"Not insane, just special. Besides he has to have some skill at driving, I mean he got a motorcycle" and Lucy sounded hung over.

"There two against one, Desmond's driving" Shaun went to hop back in the car and Desmond got off his own seat to take the drivers place.

"No, you, stop. Desmond is not driving, I like my body in one piece" Rebecca stated pointing at him in a way that suggested if he didn't obey his head would be removed from his neck. Desmond promptly sat back down and tried to look as angelic as possible.

"How come you're not tired like the rest of us mate?" Shaun asked while Desmond made a mental note of the fact that sleepy Shaun was weird.

"I nija'd it" was Desmond's only response and it didn't make much sense no matter how awake you were.

"Oh, ok" unless you were sleepy Shaun, then it made perfect sense, somehow.

"Look Rebecca you're a disastrous driver when your awake, I don't want to know what you're like when you can barely keep your eyes open" apparently Lucy also found it difficult to keep her mouth shut or maybe sleepy Lucy just had difficulty understanding that it was a bad idea to annoy a pissed off Rebecca.

"What?" Desmond glanced at Rebecca out of the corner of his eye, she was fuming. Desmond understood that things would quickly go downhill from here and as much as he wanted to watch a catfight it was very difficult to see out here and then there would be an extremely uncomfortable drive back so he spoke up.

"Rebecca your driving is horrible, it's the middle of the night and you'll probably fall asleep at the wheel, I like living and I'm fairly certain you do too, if only so you can do something crazy dangerous later, so I say we let me drive and continue living like the lively people we are. Being lively people I seem to recall is a very important part of being an assassin, because you can't assassin things if your dead and as such I declare that I should be the one to drive us home so we can continue climbing and jumping and back flipping and doing other assassin stuff" Rebecca didn't argue, probably because of how confusing Desmond's little speech was.

"Here, here" Shaun muttered next to him and Desmond made his way to the driver's seat.

Which is why they were now flying dangerously fast down the street in a car being driven by a maniac who spent hours at a time in a machine that was known for splicing personalities together. Of course if you asked Lucy he had been like that before he hopped in the Animus.

The immensely reckless driving did seem to be waking up the other assassin's though.

"Desmond, slow down" Lucy screamed. Desmond ignored her.

"Are you insane?" Shaun yelped. Desmond ignored him.

"This is awesome" Rebecca declared. Desmond gave the symbol for rock and roll and threw the van around a particularly tight turn.

After twenty more minutes of screaming and stupidly dangerous driving Desmond noticed they were running low on fuel. A few miles down the road was a gas station luckily enough and Desmond pulled over to refuel.

"Alright, Desmond get in the back I'm driving" Lucy stated. Desmond nodded and clambered into the back.

Shaun was glaring at him, he glanced at the front mirror, Lucy was too. He gave his best angelic smile and hi-fived Rebecca.

"Where in bloody hell did you learn to drive?" Shaun uttered while giving him a look that suggested he would very strongly like to shove his shoe in Desmond's mouth.

"New York" he replied to the rhetorical question.

They refuelled and headed off with Lucy once more at the wheel.

They changed drivers several more times on the trip and it was silently agreed that Desmond was banned from driving ever again.

Lucy yawned and clambered out of bed. She blinked sleep from her eyes and headed for the living area.

The trip had been fairly successful other than when Desmond had driven and when everyone had fallen asleep on the way back.

She blinked; everyone had fallen asleep on the way back. Who had been driving then? It hadn't been her since she'd just finished her shift; it hadn't been Shaun or Rebecca since they had been asleep. That meant it had been Desmond.

Either Desmond could drive properly or they had been too tired to notice the van rolling around like a boat. It also meant that Desmond had tucked her into her bed. She looked at the ground and tried to ignore the blush rising in her cheeks.

Shaun and Rebecca stumbled into the living area like zombies.

"It's odd" Shaun was saying "I don't remember getting into bed last night"

Lucy nearly lost it; Desmond had tucked them all into bed.

"I made coffee" Desmond announced suddenly. Appearing out from where ever he had been hiding.

"You drove us home, after you had promised you wouldn't take another shift" Lucy accused. Shaun looked deeply worried at that.

"You mean we had this lunatic driving us while we were completely helpless?" he questioned. All tiredness disappearing instantly from him.

"I don't drive like that all the time, just when it's necessary" Was Desmond's only reassuring statement.

"How in bloody hell was that necessary?' Shaun was red in the face but Lucy didn't really care because she was kind of curious herself.

"Well it woke you up for a bit didn't it?" With that last statement Desmond left the room to go do whatever it was Desmond did when he wasn't in the Animus or painting.

Desmond returned at lunch with '_The hitchhikers guide to the galaxy' _in his hands. No one had worked out where he had found it yet.

He sat down and the small group of assassin's began eating. At some point earlier in the day Rebecca and Shaun had realised that Desmond had carried them inside and tucked them in and as such were both avoiding his gaze. Lunch was mostly silent.

"Desmond when you drove the first time you said something" Lucy began, Desmond nodded.

"Yes I did" Now Desmond was just being difficult.

"It sounded Italian" Lucy continued hoping against hope that Desmond would be helpful. He wasn't

"Really?" his voice betrayed no emotion so she couldn't tell if he was worried or not. If he was speaking Italian without knowing then he was in danger of losing it.

"Yes, you sound surprised. Didn't you realise?" Lucy questioned. Shaun and Rebecca were listening closely now.

"No I knew, I'm surprised because that was Spanish, I thought you'd be able to tell them apart" Desmond responded without pause and Lucy blinked.

"You speak Spanish? Why do you know Spanish?" Now Lucy was confused. She had thought he was suffering from the bleeding effect but instead he was speaking Spanish.

"Why don't you?" Was the only reply they got as Desmond finished his meal and went to go graffiti over his walls.

Later that evening Desmond was officially banned from driving unless it was an emergency.


	6. The Christmas Chapter

A/N so, I'm going to write a Christmas themed chapter, because, well, I can't think of a good reason not to.

And yes, I realise that technically this wouldn't be able to happen during the game, mostly because of the time frame, but if it wasn't already obvious that this is at least partially AU then it most definitely is now.

Desmond grins, a mischievous thing that would set anyone who saw it on edge. Luckily no one is around to see it.

His eyes roll over his nights work, it is rather impressive, if he does say so himself.

A sudden sound sends him scampering up to the ceiling, someone is up.

With that thought in mind he gets comfortable in the rafters and pulls out his camera. (Where exactly he had gotten a camera is debatable)

With a yawn Lucy steps into the room. Her eyes are covered as she wipes sleep from them. With another yawn she pulls them away.

She pauses and sighs. Her gaze dances over the obscenely decorated room.

The walls are covered with large, homemade Christmas posters and tinsel. Several small Christmas trees are sitting around the area, each decorated with a multitude of ornaments.

From the roof hangs some more tinsel and several gold painted origami stars.

Lucy sighs, because she really should've expected this.

Shaun enters later, takes one look at the room before stomping over to his desk and sweeping all the decorations off.

Rebecca enters and declares it awesome.

The three have breakfast and Shaun has to sweep the stuff off his desk again, at which point they realise something. Lucy is the first to voice it.

"Where's Desmond?" Her question is answered by a distinct thump behind her. She turns around to see a grinning Desmond waving at her.

"Where were you?" she doesn't even sound worried, just exasperated.

"I was in the roof, videoering" Desmond paused "that's not the word, is it?"

"You were filming?" Lucy is giving him a look that suggests he better not have been.

Desmond has always been pretty good at deciphering looks.

"Yes" that doesn't however mean that he follows their directions.

Lucy blinks, trying to keep from yelling at him, because it honestly wouldn't do any good.

Desmond recognises that he might be in trouble and holds the camera out as a peace offering.

"Merry Christmas?" he suggests uncertainly.

Lucy slowly pulls the camera from his hands. The second it's no longer in his grasp he scampers over to Shaun's desk and redecorates it, again.

Lucy stares at the camera in her hands. She is fairly certain that none of the shops she's been to have sold cameras, especially not the one that Desmond had visited.

"Desmond?" she questions, Desmond glances up from his current distraction (redecorating one of the small Christmas trees)

"Where did you get the camera from?" Desmond tilts his head sideways and considers the question.

"Same place I got the paint and the decorations?" He says as though he's not really sure if that's the right answer.

"Which is where?" Lucy finds herself hoping once again that Desmond will actually be helpful.

"That, is for me to know, and you to eternally guess at" so of course he is not helpful in the slightest.

While Desmond is distracted Shaun shoves the decorations off his desk, for the third time.

Desmond promptly turns around and fixes them before wandering off.

As soon as he's out of sight the decorations end up on the floor, again.

At first Desmond's sudden disappearance is problematic, they are supposed to be training him, but they quickly realise that they can work on other things in his absence. For an hour and a half the three are able to work in peace.

So of course it's interrupted.

In particular it's interrupted by a rather large, half melted glob of snow, hurling straight at Rebecca.

It hits her. She shivers as the snow trickles down her back. Slowly she turns around.

Lucy and Shaun are already staring at Desmond. He has discarded his jacket and changed his normal shirt for a plane white one, he's found equally white goggles and has them sitting around his neck, he's also changed his pants to cream coloured ones and his shoes are now white boots. Next to him is a slushy maker.

"What?" he says and Rebecca cracks up.

"What are you wearing?" Shaun questions, sounding like he's already regretted asking it.

"…Clothes" Desmond answers with a shrug of his shoulders.

Something hits him in the centre of the back. He turns to find Rebecca grinning triumphantly at him, her hand covered in water.

Desmond blinks once before giving her a look of absolute _challenge _and dashing off.

Rebecca runs off after him.

Shaun and Lucy simply stare.

They manage another fifteen minutes of work before a Desmond themed interruptions occurs.

A paper aeroplane lands on Lucy's desk; she turns and finds an exact copy on Shaun's.

With a sigh she unfolds it.

As expected it contains a message from Desmond.

_Dear Lucy, _it reads in carefully printed letters, _you have been invited to partake in a snowball battle of most epic proportions. While it is already a battle of extreme awesomeness, it would undoubtedly be even better were you to participate as well._

_Kindly_

_Desmond_

An incredulous look crossed over her face. Though she can't see it, an identical expression is on Shaun's.

He turns and speaks; waving the paper in the air to emphasize his point "Is he seriously asking us to join in his _snow ball fight"_

She opens her mouth to respond but is interrupted by another pair of aeroplanes.

_P.S. if you refuse we will continue to attack you with paper aeroplanes, either way, we're having fun._

The two attempt to ignore the continuous barrage of projectiles, but it seems that their assailants have discovered a never ending supply of paper.

Lucy stands up, an air of finality in the movement "Fine, we'll join the snowball fight"

Desmond drops out of the ceiling, dashes over to Shaun's desk, fixes the decorations and runs out the door.

He pops his head back in a moment later "You coming?"

With a sigh the two follow him out, Shaun giving the slushy machine a kick, for good measure.

It turns out, that despite opinions, Desmond is not stupid and the snowball fight is taking place in a park a few miles away.

They arrive, Rebecca having jumped into the car at the last possible second, and spread out.

"Ready?" Desmond declares. The group give nods with varying degrees of enthusiasm.

"Set" Desmond pulls his goggles up over his eyes, Rebecca crouches slightly, Shaun sighs and Lucy glances around nervously.

"Go!" He announces, immediately zipping up a tree next to him. Rebecca takes off, jumping behind a tree and building up a shelter. Shaun wonders across the soon to be battle field.

Out of the corner of her eye she sees a snowball flying straight for Shaun. He steps to the side and it melds harmlessly with the ground.

He is not however expecting one to drop on him from directly above.

It hit's him square on the head. He glances up and see's Desmond waving from his seat in the trees.

Shaun glares and makes a snowball; it fly's straight for Desmond, who is only able to dodge by dropping to a lower branch.

Desmond grins, swings over to the end of the branch and sweeps up some snow. He drops down several more branches and flings the snowball at Shaun.

Shaun turns to dodge and it hits him in the shoulder.

Lucy shakes her head and returns to building her shelter.

A sudden freezing lump of snow hitting her back stops her. She turns around to find Rebecca ducking back behind her own shelter.

Lucy stares.

_Ok, _if they want a _snowball fight, _she'll give them one.

With a quick decisive movement she sends three snowballs flying over Rebecca's barricade.

A sudden, surprised shout tells her she's hit her target.

In response to the sudden drenching Rebecca jumps over her barricade , scoops up a snowball and sends it straight at Lucy.

Lucy ducks and it flys over her head. Rebecca scoops up another, still running and throws it. Lucy gets the message and takes off, dodging the constant barrage of snowballs.

She dashes around, ducking around and behind tree's and rocks. A few of the projectiles hit her but she remains mostly dry.

Glancing over her shoulder, she runs straight into Shaun, sending them both careening into the snow.

They roll onto their backs, just in time to be nailed simultaneously in the head with snowballs.

Rebecca waves at them, already preparing to throw another two snowballs.

Shaun and Lucy scrabble to their feet and duck behind a tree, just as the lobs of snow fly past them.

They glance at each other.

"You take the left, I'll go right" Shaun offers, shaping a snowball in his hands. Lucy nods forming her own.

"Go!" Shaun hisses, already dashing towards Rebecca. Lucy nods, taking off as well.

The two snowballs crash into Rebecca's chest, her eyes widen. This could be problematic.

She takes off, every second snowball hitting her. She's drenched very quickly.

Shaun and Lucy heard her into a dead end, her back hits a tree.

Lucy and Shaun ready their arms. Only to be interrupted by a foot of snow dropping on all three of them from above.

They glance up. Desmond is sitting in the tree, the branches around him filled with snow. He kicks one and another foot of snow drops down on them.

"Merry Christmas" He declares before dropping to the ground and hopping into the car.

When they return home, everyone but Desmond is drenched and shivering, the three go to get changed into dry clothes.

They return to find four steaming mugs of hot chocolate sitting on the table.

Desmond drops down, grabs his and clambers back up into the roof.

Shaun grabs his and tries to push the decorations off his desk. He spends several moments struggling with them before plopping into his chair with a decisive sigh.

Lucy and Rebecca look over at him, confused.

"He glued them to the table"

A/N

I wrote a Christmas chapter, hopefully I managed to avoid the most glaringly common cliché's involved in such works.

I rather doubt it though, oh well. I had fun writing it, so that's good, with a bit of luck it got a smile out of you, which is really the whole point.

Merry Christmas.


	7. Vidic's enemy

This one is extremely short, and I have no excuse for its existence.

_Summary: In which we see how Assassin's creed 2 should have ended._

The last Templar dropped to the floor, blood leaking from the wound in his chest.

Desmond glanced up, prepared to tear into Vidic with the blade, he stepped forward brimming with confidence.

"Come on Doc, looks like it's just you and me" he grinned viciously. Vidic was unfazed.

"Enjoy your victory Mr Miles, temporary as it is" Vidic responded, grabbing the side of the truck as it began to pull away.

"Desmond we have to go" Rebecca stated, holding what appeared to be a TV under her arm.

"Just a moment" he began, before facing Vidic again, the truck was moving rather slowly "hey Vidic!"

Vidic looked up to glare at him when something collided with his face, knocking him unceremoniously onto his ass. He glanced at the offending object.

It was a shoe.

He glanced up to see a second shoe flying towards him, he dodged it and glared once more at the distant figure of Desmond Miles.

Desmond turned back to the group.

"Now we can go"

Shaun's palm had an impromptu date with his face.


	8. Desmond's musings

Because this version of Desmond is quite aware.

_Summary: In which we discover that Desmond is aware of the timeline, and knows that it isn't working properly, at least not for him._

'Time' Desmond thinks 'is an enigma, an enigma wrapped in a mystery, wrapped in a gumleaf' he's fairly certain that's not the actual line but is too wrapped up in his musing to care.

It seems to him that time has no ability to make decisions, and it really feels like staying in a permanent state of confusion. It is absolutely non-linear.

He knows because yesterday he was in a coma, and today he's waking up in Abstergo with Vidic hovering over him. (Desmond briefly considers smacking him with his shoe)

It's not the first time it's happened, and he rather doubts it'll be the last.

"Oh goody, I wonder who I get to kill today" he says with mock enthusiasm and slightly more hand gestures than strictly necessary.

He wonders if the others have noticed.

Somehow, he doubts it.

Vidic glares at him for the comment but says nothing. Lucy enters and takes up her position by the Animus, with an odd sort of half skipping movement Desmond crosses the room and sits down on the Animus.

"Hey, Lucy, what's the date?" She looks up from the screen, no expression of friendliness, which means it's still early on in the Abstergo segment.

"October 18th" She answers succinctly, he frowns. It's a Thursday.

He knows better than to pester them over it, though, because he's already seen Lucy's reaction and he's not at all interested in Vidic's.

Vidic gives a huff of annoyance that is no doubt directed at him. Desmond swivels around on the Animus.

"Eh, what's up, Doc?" he gives his best impression of Bugs Bunny and an overly cheerful smile.

He's long since stopped trying to take it seriously, after all if they think he's insane than his slip ups will be ignored.

So maybe sometimes he might randomly 'guess' what's going to happen before it actually does.

He especially enjoys pulling that trick on Shaun, usually when historian is trying to tell him about something that Ezio's about to do.

Really, he can't help but jump in and explain in extreme detail exactly how the event will happen.

Because if he took this seriously he'd probably be an angsty little mess, and that is not an option, for he is Desmond Miles, Novice Assassin and Bartender.

Actually, that is probably the most frustrating part, half the time he has to pretend to have no skills and the rest of the time he's supposed to be able to do things that he hasn't experienced yet.

The last one isn't as much trouble now, he's lived through a bit of Conner's life so he can use those skills fine, from what he understands after he finished Conner's segment things settled down a bit. He hasn't actually got too good of an idea what happens after they stop the disaster.

It doesn't really bother him though, he's got plenty to deal with as it is, and it doesn't help that the jumps are inconsistent, he might spend a day in one segment, or a minute, the time fluctuates wildly but it's never longer then twenty-four hours, the time might continue into another day, but it won't pass that limit.

The first jump happened on a Thursday, he was around midway through and nothing monumentally bad had happened so obviously something would, namely him suddenly being in another Thursday, the day he was captured by Abstergo, actually.

He admits that he got lucky, because if he had experienced a jump to a different segment, or even just a later part of that segment, he would've had no idea what was going on, and in all likelihood attacked someone.

The actual sensation of jumping is odd. He'll be wandering around alone, with no one watching (that's the other limit, it never happens when he's in the middle of something and he never ends up in the middle of something either) when suddenly he'll be somewhere else.

The only warning a slight feeling of cold in his stomach before he's walking down a hallway, or waking up in Abstergo. He suspects the sudden change would leave him stunned or worried or acting different to how he should be, but after the jump the information is always just sitting there, in the back of his head, telling him he has to go to the lounge, or hop in the Animus, or escape from Abstergo. That too, is a constant.

"Mr Miles!" Vidic snaps suddenly, clapping his hands in front of Desmond's face. He looks up surprise crossing his features.

"What? Yes, I'm awake" he responds on instinct, stumbling out of his musings.

"Right, well we are waiting Mr Miles" Desmond stares at Vidic, trying to place the familiarity of that sentence.

He shrugs and lies back down on the Animus, waiting for buzzing in the back of his head to begin. (One of his favourite features of the Animus 2.0 is that it doesn't make noise)

"Hey, Lucy, you sure no one goes insane from the buzzing sound?" he says and frowns when both Vidic's and Lucy's eyes widen.

Oh… That's right, he isn't supposed to know about Clay yet. He considers briefly correcting the mistake but decides against it. He suspects they don't think he could count to two properly, so they'll ignore his mistake.

Eventually they just sigh and tell him to hurry up.

He opens his mind and falls into his ancestors memories. It blurs around him and his mind distances itself from the thoughts and feelings of Altair. It always feels the same when he enters

The only other constant.

…

This one wasn't as humour based, but hey, I had fun.


End file.
